I'm gone, but I don't know where

last entry? --- new journal

2007-02-01T22:37:10Z

My new journal is technicolorglam
Be proud?
Nah, just add it.
Mmkay?

Cuz I can't go add ALL of you right now.
I am in school, sorry!

real entry #180.--- let's jump for joy

2007-01-28T05:54:27Z

I'm making a new livejournal.
This one has weird memories.
As did phoneboost so now I'm making a new one.
Yay.

Real Entry #179.--- I smoke Marb Red 100s. OOPS

2007-01-26T04:15:05Z

Scene Kid Take-Down: A Guide to The Trendy Streets of LA

General Life Guide

If you ever walk down Sunset Blvd in Hollywood on a Friday night, expect to feel out of place when you pass such rockin’ joints as “The Roxy” or the “Whiskey A Go-Go”. These places hold certain shindigs for the youth of LA where obscure bands play with extremely long names that mostly have something to do with bleeding, being bled, or some kind of nonsense title like, “The Black Heart Procession” or “Wear your pants tight if you like UTI’s”.

Speaking of pants, if they aren’t plastered to your ass and your hair just isn’t big enough, consider yourself unwelcome in this world of teen angst. While some may protest that having your pants hug your balls all night may make you feel safe, the fact that you have hot pink airbrushed make-up on might buy you a one-way ticket to an ass beating if you step off the wrong corner in L.A. The colored peoples of Los Angeles will not give a shit you were at a show to see some obscure band that they’ve never heard of. They also don’t care about your extensive knowledge of 80’s music (which you just very recently learned about through VH1’s “I Love the 80’s”). No, no, you were sucking the teet during the reign of Duran Duran and probably don’t know what ColecoVision is.

That said, here is your guide to taking down the “scene kid”. If you, a citizen of Los Angeles or traveling tourist, ever come across children such as these, do not be intimidated; just remember how to disarm the wildlife with the tactics below. We are not cutting off the arm of the monster here people, we are slaying the beast. So please keep in mind the scene kids most valuable possessions are:

Digital camera, complete with 80 pictures of him/herself: Steal or damage this in any way, and you have just destroyed their internet “scene-ness” rendering them useless. Now let’s see them try to take their over-the-head-and-at-an-angle shot at tonight’s gig…

Make-up: This one is a little bit harder. You must either destroy the MAC makeup company or grab some kind of facial-disfiguration chemical and throw it at them while you walk by. Extreme? Not unless you can do the first suggestion….

Marlboro Reds/Lights: A scene kid would be nothing without their image. One of the most important items to a scene kid is the cigarette. The cigarette is a social must when conversing with others. How else can they look so all-knowing with the cigarette between their fingers and a look on their face that says “Yeah, I’m destroying my body, but I’m only going to live until I’m 25 anyways!” We can only hope.

The iPod: The scene kids’ iPod has so many obscure and shitty bands on it that you wonder why they paid $300 for one. Frequently, you will see them gathering on a corner or in your local Starbucks comparing them to see which band is the most unknown or which lyrics have the deepest meaning. If you walk by one of them with the phones in their ears singing, “Money, success, fame, glamour” or something else that sounds stupid and doesn’t make sense, be sure to shank the bitch and destroy the iPod.

The Razorblade: The scene kid LOVES attention. They love attention so much that they’ll resort to cutting to “deal with their emotions”. The scene kid will make feeble and obvious attempts to hide the scars on their arms, but will soak up the attention and claims of worry from friends. Take away their razor, and you take away interest in them from fellow “scenesters”. Who wants to listen to a punk ass bitch that doesn’t have the balls to cut themselves?

I must stress that it is IMPERATIVE that while attempting any of these take-downs that you do not look them in the eye. If you are any sort of Asian tourist, please remember that no pictures are allowed; this will only draw them to swarm around you and could become a potentially life-threatening situation.

Please remember, whilst wandering the streets of Los Angeles, that you need not be afraid. If you have read and studied this guide, you can take down the scene kid faster than you can decide which gender it is. Think of yourself as Wesley Snipes in ‘Blade’. Except you aren’t destroying vampires, you’re taking down the scene kid-who is much MUCH more annoying and pisses you off more than a vampire ever could. You don’t need silver bullets; all you need is a little knowledge and maybe a baseball bat. Good luck, and enjoy LA.

Oh, you kids! It’s so scene to hate your own scene!

real entry #178.--- hippos and pandas and rats

2007-01-22T05:45:43Z

The Little Panda
By Adrian Wells
Written on January 18, 2007 - editted on Janurary 21, 2007

Once upon a time there was a little Panda, named "The Hippopotamus", but her mommy and daddy called her "Little Hippo" for short. One day as Little Hippo ate some of the most tasty bamboo around, some strange men approached her ever so quietly, so she would not hear them, and these strange men, with their strange tools, stole Little Hippo from her home, and carried her far off to a distant land. Now, since Little Hippo was only a little panda, she was naturally very attached to her its mother and father and her wonderful home. And when Little Hippo awoke she was obviously very unhappy to find itself in a strange land. Gazing about her strange new surroundings, she found herself stuck in a forest of strange, cold, hard bamboo, and past this strange, bamboo she saw things stranger still, for there in the distance stood strange, funny looking creatures gazing nosily back at her.

After days and days of being in this strange forest, with these strange creatures, Little Hippo’s sadness deepened, and she became very lonely, so Little Hippo, like all of nature’s littlest creatures, cried out quietly to the night. To her great surprise, another "little hippo", unseen to her, responded most lovingly to her tears. Happy to have a new friend, Little Hippo spent many-many days talking to her companion through the bamboo forest which so unpleasantly caged her. They spoke of many things, his home, her home, their fears, and their desires, and as they did so Little Hippo began to feel strange feelings, in this strange land, for her new friend; even though she had never seen his face, or known his touch.

Now, despite the talkative nature of little panda bears, Little Hippo did find other things to occupy her time, and obviously, in a as strange as this one, filled with so many strange creatures, and strange sights, she was bound to make at least one more friend. After many-many lights and many-many darks, Little Hippo began to notice a little girl, who would come every day in the wee hours of the morning, and eagerly wave to our little panda friend, and some days, to Little Hippo’s delight, she would bring her the tastiest pink clouds straight from the sky (according to Little Hippo, of course). And although Little Hippo was clearly different from her new friend, she trusted, and loved, her all the same.

Still, despite her many new friends, and all the fluffy pink clouds she could eat, deep down in Little Hippo’s heart, sadness hung, for none of this could really replace the warmth of home. Little Hippo knew that one day she must go home, and so, she devised the most cleverest of plans. As her feeder walked in to refill her own little lake, she would sneak out of her bed and place a tiny little twig between the opening of the forest. And what luck! Little Hippo’s plan worked without a hitch, that clever old Panda! Quickly, and ever so quietly, Little Hippo snuck out of the forest, and into the grounds of her strange captors. Exhilarated by her new freedom, she happily raced up and down the stony hills, and rolled through the green grass, only to remember her friend Hippo! Filled with excitement, she called out to her friend, who responded; surprised to hear his friend was free, with exclamations of joy and relief. Carefully, Little Hippo followed the sound of her friend’s voice, and as she arrived at his own bamboo forest, she was astonished to find that he wasn’t a fellow "Little Hippo" at all! He was a real Hippo! (What a twist!) Now, our little Panda friend already knew a thing or two about Hippos, in fact, she was reminded of a warning her Daddy gave her when she was just a wee cub. "You watch out for those Hippos, Little Hippo, they are a clever bunch, but also very, very lazy, and if you aren’t careful, they will trick you into doing the silliest of things. They are greedy and only care about themselves." But Little Hippo, being the silly little Panda she was, readily ignored the advice of her wise-old Pa……

Little Hippo, using her acute Panda-Vision, looked over the forest surrounding her friend Hippo, saw a twisted branch holding the forest-wall shut. Sticking her little claws into this twig, she, through her clever panda wit, managed to unclick this stubborn branch, and free her Hippo friend. Slowly, in a dull "thud-thud" out lumbered Hippo, who did not seem as happy as she to see his furry little friend.

"Why are you so glum, my friend?" asked the puzzled panda bear.
"I am sad, for you have lied to me. You are no Hippo, you are just a silly little panda-bear" grumbled the cranky Hippo.

Poor Little Hippo was sad to see she disappointed her friend, but she, being ever-optimistic, hoped nothing further would upset their first meeting.

"What shall we do now, my most beloved of friends?!"

"Well….." muttered Hippo, in the dullest of tones. "Perhaps it would be best, if we made our way far from our lives here. To head back to our homes, that is the safest of bets."

At the mention of home, Little Hippo’s eye began to glitter with a warm, lovely light, and quickly she responded, "I whole-heartedly agree." Carefully she climbed, in the clumsy Panda-fashion, up on Hippo’s pink back, and up on there, she watchfully sat.
"Don’t worry Little Hippo" Hippo smugly assured, "I am the smartest animal in this land, and I know the way home, we’ll be there before the big red ball comes."

Little Hippo, trusting her friend ever so much, rode that Hippo's back for hours on end. Until finally, the daylight came, and the whole land began stir, and Little Hippo, became very suspicious, and wondered if Hippo really was all he said he was.

By now, the two were weary , hungry, and feeling slightly defeated, and couldn’t help but take a rest to lament their situation. As they sat, strange, and funny little creature scurred up to them in a great hurry.

"Now what are you two doing way out here?" he inquisitively asked.
"Why, we are on our way home, but we do not know the way…." sighed the tired little panda.

"Well, I've lived in these parts my whole life, and I know them quite well. If you want to find your way home, you best follow me."
Insulted by such a suggestion, Hippo puffed out his big pink chest and exclaimed "Go away, you smelly little rat! I do not need you, and as long as Little Hippo is with ME, neither shall she! So leave, or I shall eat you with relative ease."

After a moment of thought, the tiny smelly rat, sighed "As you wish, very well…." But not before giving Little Hippo the littlest of winks. Little Hippo, understand the message, and proclaimed to her friend,

"My gosh, big Hippo, I think I know the way" and began to dash off towards the distance, following the little mouse’s path.

After a bit of a run, they reached enormous wooden gate, and there carefully hidden, sat Little Hippo’s new friend, carefully watching the two as they cautiously approached the gate. As Little Hippo peered through the slightly opened gates, she was met with a great surpise! There stood Little Hippo's other friend, the strange girl who brought her the delicious pink clouds. The girl, astonished to see a Panda, a Rat, and a Hippo wandering the zoo, ran quickly up to the trio.

"Panda-bear, why have you broke free?" say the little girl, in a very squeally little voice.
"I am on my way home friend, with my best friend Hippo."

Now, while Little Hippo may know a thing or two about Hippos, she most certainly did not know a thing or two about little girls. While Hippos can be greedy, and clever, little girls can be something far worse: spoiled and devious. And upon hearing Little Hippo’s innocent goal, the little girl devised the most fiendish of plans…..
"Why…. I can take you home, little Panda-Bear," she is said in a sly little voice, "and along the way, you can have all the cotton candy you want!"

Excited to hear the words "Candy" and "Home" in the same sentence Little Panda lept upon the little girl’s back and let out a gleeful giggle, and Little Hippo, the little girl, and Hippo set out for "home", with the little rat trailing quietly behind. As they walked, Little Hippo absent-mindedly chewed on this "Cotton-Candy" licking her paws clean from time to time. Now, Ratty-Rat, having spent his whole life around people, knew that they rarely did things out of kindness. He hurried up to the group as fast as he could, and asked Little Hippo:

"Little Hippo, can you not see that this is not the way home?"
"Sure it is!" giggled Little Hippo, grinning in her usual smiley fashion, "My friends would never lie to me."
Frustrated, Ratty-Rat muttered, "You are a foolish little panda, and you are far too busy eating cotton candy to find your way home. I will go no farther with you…."
Hippo, pleased to see a chance to impress Little Hippo laughed at poor Ratty-Rat

"What do you know?! You are just a stupid fur-ball, go away, before I eat you!"

And so Ratty-Rat left, sadly aware of what was to come for the foolish little bunch.

Little Hippo, packed full of Cotton Candy, quickly fell asleep on the back of the little girl, and Hippo being the thick-head lump that he was, did not bother to question the little "pit-stop" they made in the little girl’s house. And when Little Hippo woke, she let out a yelp, she had been draped in silly pink leaves, and looking at four little girls, with their backs turned, giggling at laughing, at what she could not see. "Please help me!" said an exasperated voice. It was Hippo! And then the girls moved away, and there was Hippo, covered with face paint, jewelry, and stickers, and scared white, like a ghost.

"Little Hippo! Oh gosh, what have we done?"

"Oh look!" giggled a girl, "My mommy has come!"

"You take the Hippo, he is stinky and fat!"

"Ok, I guess I’ll put him in my Spongebob backpack"

At hearing this Hippo, the once brave little thing, let out a gasp, and immediately fainted. Smiling, the girl with yellow-back back scooped him up, tucked him in and zipped her pack shut, and ran out the little girl’s bed room door. Little Hippo, now desperately frightened, crawled under the little girl’s bed and began to sob. The other little girls, hungry for snacks, quickly followed behind the girl with the backpack, leaving the room completely empty, except, of course, for the one little girl.

"Please, Please, I want to go home" cried little Hippo.
But the little girl was far too happy to have her own little Panda, to let Little Hippo leave.

"You’re mine now! Forever and ever!" she said with a devilish grin, and then without a second thought, ran down stairs, slamming the door shut behind her. And poor Little Hippo was left all alone.

. "Little Hippo, you silly girl, even though you ignored me, I stayed true to you. And I am here to help you sneak free!"
It was Ratty-Rat (that clever son of a bitch)! He had followed her all the way to the little girl's house.

"Now, I have found a way to get you home….

"Yay!" interrupted Little Hippo, let me go grab my cotton candy…..

"If you come with me, you cannot bring your cotton candy, because I know when you eat your cotton candy, you do very silly things"
"But I love my cotton candy! When I am sad, it makes me happy, and when I am lonely, it makes me feel safe!"
"Little Hippo…..there is no cotton candy in your home. Cotton candy can’t make you happy like your family can, and it can’t feel better when you are sad, like your family can. It can make you feel safe, when you are lonely, like your family can."
"….but, but what about Hippo?"
"Hippo is fat, and lazy. He does not want my help."

For a time, Little Hippo seriously considered staying, tempted by the taste of sugar and a far away friend. But she knew Ratty-Rat was right. And with the help of Ratty-Rat they snuck out under the cover at night, and arrived in a strange place, filled with big birds, and many, many strange people. Where Little Hippo saw a strange man, who, to her surprise, on his clothing had a picture of another little Panda-Bear!
"Go to that man, Little Hippo, and they will take you home," said Ratty-Rat in a very quiet voice.
"Will you not come with me, Ratty-Rat?" in a soft, sad tone.
Gazing far off, Ratty-Rat said, "No little Hippo, this is my home, and sometimes we must journey alone to get what we truly desire." Already hung overwhelmed with sadness and grief, Little Hippo hugged her kindest of friends, and quickly said "I love you, goodbye."

Little Hippo made her weary way along towards the man, who from her removed a strange piece of jewelry she had worn on her leg for a long time. After a speech, into a long black rock, the man lovingly lifted her up, and carried her away, giving her a strange pill, along the way.

She slept, and dreamed of her adventures in that strange, far off land, and awoke somewhere that felt an awful lot like home. There she was, in that the old familiar forest. With that old familiar bamboo. And best of all, her whole familiar family. And although Little hippo would never see her friends again, she knew deep down in her heart, that she would never forget them. For they taught her the dangers, and beauties of life.

The End

real entry #176-- today

2007-01-07T23:41:47Z

today.
was.
the.
best.
well an hour of it was soooooo bomb

real entry #175.--- today was fun

2006-12-31T02:20:32Z

I had a good day today.
Yay!
Right?
I know.

real entry #174.--- i'm wide awake

2006-12-30T09:41:42Z

I'm wide awake. Bored. Craving. Being dumb.

Watching the past repeat itself. And feeling it be repeated. And laughing at it.

I'm bored. Damn it. ARGH!

My hands are cold. My back is sore from sleeping funny.

La La La.

Ashley? Let's talk. I need to.

I need a cigarette. Or ten...

I guess I'm going to attempt sleep. Also known as staring at the ceiling for a couple hours until I fall into a sleep that won't restore my energy.

*sighs*

Night loves.

real entry #173. --- fuckk

2006-12-29T07:44:54Z

Today was dumb.
Taran was pouty.
Amber was whiny.
Lenny is an asshole.
And the tension was dumb.

We just all need to get over ourselves.
And shut the fuck up.

real entry #172.---oh gawd

2006-12-19T22:39:03Z

I'm sorry
I've ultimately conformed.
I have a scene girl haircut...

I know...

But Louie @ Barbarama did it. She does bomb hair. So if you need it cut, she's good.

<3

real entry #171.---realizations

2006-12-18T22:16:56Z

THIS ENTRY WAS STUPID. I DELETED IT.

real entry #170.---i don't know

2006-12-18T07:50:35Z

THIS ENTRY WAS STUPID SO I DELETED IT.

real entry #167.--- i'm at school

2006-12-08T16:46:32Z

my expulsion hearing is tuesday.
Fuck Shelby Spencer.
Fuck this shit.

Rane is talking and sounds all like "oh I'm losing my voice"
He keeps trying to sleep.
It's funny.
He sucks.

ARGH!

STFU!

I love my Dragon.

Hahhaa

real entry #166.--- fuuuck

2006-12-06T19:16:12Z

I was with people, no names bitches, who were smoking weed yesterday at school.
Some dumb bitch told.
Said random names.
Blah blah blah.
This leads to that.
They took away my cigarettes and lighter.
My mom came and got me.
I have an expulsion hearing.
but that might not be until early January or something.
Fucking hell I will slaughter someone.
I hate people.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
>_<
angry asian

My loving Shelby S is moving.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

real entry #155.--- Halloween Patheticness.

2006-11-01T02:42:43Z

Happy Halloween!!!

I am being lame this Halloween, I have no plans. My mom wants me to stay in. So I'm going to lie on my couch and eat my Asian food. And watch TV. And stuff. I will be here, being lame. I love you all. Especially any Dragons out there who might for some reason see this.
<3<3<3 Panda

SCIENCE HOMEWORK FAT WHORES

2006-10-27T15:36:10Z

http://www.chemicalelements.com/elements/ar.html

http://www.chemicalelements.com/elements/ca.html

http://www.chemicalelements.com/elements/ca.html

stuff for bohr models.
print or re-draw

include # of protrons, neutrons, and electrons.
energy levels.
models.
colorful.
do SRQ 3 and 5. pg 76
do CTQ 1 and 11. pg 101

real entry #145.--- science class

2006-10-06T15:45:52Z

I'm sitting at school in science class, we're doing some faggot lab.
Rane is sitting next to me.
Saying "cmoe on you know you want to be my friend on livejournal, come ooon, you know that or you're a dyke, one of the two."
He's pathetic, but I enjoy harassing him.
This is boring.
Nothing to say.
Ima go do something exciting. Fuck you all.
<3<3<3 ella

real entry #144.--- materialism

2006-10-04T04:12:59Z

it's 99.50 I think, basically 100$ from hollister. or hollisterco.com. size small, ermerald cove bomber, olive green.
i love it.
i love it so much.

buy me this and i will love you:

or let me have this hotty:

tell me, guy or girl.
get it right. you win a prize.

real entry #142.--- me in 126 Q's

2006-10-01T02:03:14Z

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Religious	\|\|\|\|	16%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

trait snapshot:

messy, outgoing, open, self revealing, ambivalent about chaos, unpredictable, not good at saving money, social, likes large parties, likes to stand out, risk taker, quick to make friends, does not like to be alone, rash, fame seeking, sarcastic, craves attention, social chameleon, low self control, food lover, not rule conscious, weird, assertive, not a perfectionist, anti-authority, thrill seeker, vain, likes to fit in, reckless, emotionally sensitive, leisurely, trusting

This is the beginning, tell me what you think. Yes, I know I have no definate plot.

2006-09-29T01:05:31Z

The Beginning

Crystal white powder rushed up her nose like a blizzard of snow; the initial rush was always her favorite feeling and so far nothing compared to that high. She took a deep breath, inhaling only through her mouth, and then noticed him staring at her. Quickly she passed the straw and razorblade to him.

Watching her chest move up and down, hearing her rapid breathing, nearly killed him. Yet instead of saying anything he just bent his head over the mirror. He always hated using a mirror, seeing what he was doing, as if he could see it ruining his life. He still wasn't used to the burn of cocaine and more often then not had to get up for a glass of water.

When he got back to her room she was already on her roof smoking. She had a big house and the kind of parents most kids wished they had. But deep down she wished her parents were around more often, or that they it least pretended to care. At the end of the day the one person she could rely on was her older brother. He was 26, out of the house, and during the school year he went to the state college and played football.

Peyton

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Remial standing in my room looking kind of awkward. I wasn't sure if he was waiting for me to say something or not, so I called him out to sit with me. He looked kind of startled, as if he had forgotten about me, but he obediently climbed out my window and sat down. Surprisingly he didn't want a cigarette, but instead just lay on the roof and looked at the stars.

Remial

The two of us stayed on the roof late into the night, with her computer playing soft music in the background. As usual she slowly drifted off and eventually was sound asleep. I carried her into her room and set her on the bed. She looked so small and peaceful like a fallen angel. I tucked her in and walked into the guest room. Every time we went through this routine I feared she would never wake up from the restful slumber.

Peyton

The next morning I woke up to the sound of the blaring alarm clock. I heard water running and could guess Remial was finishing his shower. So in the mean time I started putting together a play list for the day. Once the music started downloading I was getting in the shower. The sudden rush of cold water startled me and helped me with the process of waking up. I called out to Remy to go get us Starbucks™ telling him that my keys were in my jeans. A few minutes later I heard the engine start and he was gone.

Remial

I loved driving her car; it was a beautiful Porsche Boxster from her Daddy dearest to congratulate her on the newly earned license. When I got to Starbucks™ there was a relatively long line but still within ten minutes I was out the door. When I pulled back into her driveway I could hear her music blaring from her room. It was Dir En Grey, this wonderful Japanese band that she listened to religiously. Moments after I turned off the engine and got out of the car she was running out of the house, grabbing the keys from me and starting the car.

Peyton

Despite many peoples jealousy I saw my car as just a sign of guilt from my parents. Obviously I loved my car and was grateful for it, but more then anything it was just a way to make up for them not being there. I pulled into the school parking lots and turned off the engine. The music was still playing so I rested my head on the seat and turned it up.

“Peyton, are you going to get out or just stay there all day? You’re going to be late for class”

Remials voice broke my concentration so I quickly grabbed my stuff and rushed into the school. Remy was like my guardian angel, always looking out for me and reminding me of anything I forget; yet I have no idea what it is I do for him. I got to class on time and was instantly greeted by Alisa. The amount of energy she had in the morning was in-human and almost scary. How it is she wakes up so fast I have no idea.

As class when on I dozed off and began thinking of what I was going to do for lunch. My thoughts were interrupted by my teacher, Mr. Jerome; he wanted my homework. I opened my bag and gave it to him then went back to day-dreaming. About fifteen minutes later he reminded us of the quiz tomorrow and said we had the rest of the class time to study. Despite some of my extra curricular activities I still cared about my grades, did my homework, and more often then not went to class.

Remial

When class was finally over I was dying to get to lunch. I quickly walked away from school and went to meet my friends. Just as I was leaving the building I felt someone’s fingers tighten around my wrist and pull me back.

“Remy, remember you promised we’d have lunch together today?”

I could feel her eyes on me and that always made me nervous. She had beautiful grass green eyes and they could say one thousand words otherwise left unsaid. Today her eyes were telling me how hurt she would be if I broke my promise. I quickly smiled and waved away my friends outside.

“Of course I do Lisa, let’s go. You can choose anywhere you want, my treat.”

I did my best to resist rolling my eyes and reluctantly took her hand.

A grin slowly spread across her face when she realized I really was going to take her to lunch. Because I didn’t have a car and I knew Luke was taking Peyton out to lunch today I walked to Peyton’s car and told Lisa to get in. Like most girls at our school she was excited to be taken out in the Porsche. When we got done eating lunch we went outside and sat on one of the benches in front of the restaurant. I felt her head slowly falling on my shoulder and her hand gradually gliding across my waist line. Despite the allure of her touch I didn’t want to deceive her and had to resist. I pushed her hand away and suggested we go back to school.

real entry #139.--- haha

2006-09-27T01:31:23Z

So yesterday people were like go to volleyball. So I'm like okay. Then I was like who will go? No one would. I dragged Taran. OMFG volleyball games suck. We went, sat in the park, mmmm, music. Thank God I had my CD player and cigarettes. Damn wasn't after school exciting? OH! And a private number called Tarans phone twice. Once he answered, no one was there. Then he did, and I heard breathing so I jacked his phone and told the person I heard their breathing and that I would fuck them so hard or something it would take their breath away. Hehe..

real entry #138.--- tired

2006-09-24T02:19:24Z

I'm tired of people...
who use me.
-for drugs
-for money
-for anything

If you're going to be my friend, refer to me by "Ella" or another various non-offensive nickname. You don't need to be an asshole and behind my back call me "the girl who buys you things".

If I spend a whole summer with you, when it ends I don't expect you to be an asshole. Please, if that's what you plan on doing, spending lots of time with me then being a jerk, don't make me waste my time.

Don't let me start liking and trusting you, just to throw it back in my face and reassure me that I shouldn't trust people.
Honestly, if you want to use me, you can and likely it'll work if you're nice, then when you throw me to the side and want to pick me back up, it will still work, but if you're going to do all that, it least don't let me love you. Even if I don't let myself like you, my heart will. My head can yell all it wants, but my heart wins the battles. We can be friends for 4 monthes, and I can bond with you in that time. I can start to really like you, even if my friends don't. I figure, hey, it's me who's going to deal with him, not me. Yet this one girl, she always seems to know a bad apple when there is one. I'm not sure how, but she does. I wish I had that kind of sense. But oh well, this is what therapy is for, right? Wrong. I lie to my therapist often. Either way...

If you're going to use me, it least pretend to think I'm a real human being. Not just someone who's a fall back.
Even if that's not how you treat me at first, once you get tired of me, please, put up with me for a little longer, don't just push me away and occasionally call me when you need something. Because when I get those calls, it's hard for me to say no, I just want you to be happy, or it least pretend to like me for a day more.

Treat me how you want to be treated, but more often then not, I can guarantee I will still treat you better. I do my best, I often fail and don't meet your standards, but it least acknowledge that I try.

If you tell me you love me, only say it if you mean it, whether it seems like the right time or not, make sure you mean it before saying it. Because it hurts so much worse thinking I was loved and finding out I was just being used, then just being used.

I usually do give out my money and pay for my friends things, I don't mind, I love my friends. Even if I never get paid back, they're my friends and I care about them so I'm fine spending my money on them. Even if you aren't really my friend lots of times I will still buy you things, just please, pretend you like me and think of me in your mind as something more then a bank.

Please, let us go back to how we were. Let us go back to when boys had cooties and boobs weren't even a thought. When we still woke up early on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons and before i-pods were everywhere.
Let us go back to when you still cared about me.

Please, please, please, don't think I'm mad because you got a girlfriend. I'm glad you did and that you like her so much. Just I don't want to be pushed to the side and ignored, unless you can say to my face you don't want to be my friend any more. And it's not that I want you to say that, I just want... To be acknowledged, not used.

This is my ode to emotions, all of which will soon be put back into me and hidden under layers of make up and smiles. Get over it, we all have emotions.

real entry #134.--- grant

2006-08-29T03:49:05Z

[CURRENTLY]

Grant Schedule
semester 1

Period 1: Integrated Science 1 - Wright, Craig

Period 2: Spanish 5 - Halbert Ayala, Janet

Period 3: Health 1 - McClure, Cheryl

Period 4: Art Foundations 1 - Kopperud, Amy

Period 5: Photography 1 - Brandel, Judy

Period 6: Adv Algebra 3 - Cotton, Greg

Period 7: English 3 - Osterhagen, Traci

real entry #129.--- gawd

2006-07-14T22:39:01Z

it's so hard to stay up
when you know you're gonna come down.

real entry #1oo.--- for english class

2006-05-11T04:02:50Z

Eulogies

When I first saw her I knew what love at first sight felt like. She was lying in the grass looking so happy and free, a cigarette held between her fingers with the smoke slowly crawling out of her mouth. When her crystal blue eyes moved and looked at me, I felt as though I should be looking around, trying to find who she was talking to. Then the seemingly meaningless phrase “hey, come sit and talk to me” gracefully floated out of her lips. I felt as though my whole stomach was doing acrobatic flips, and all I could do to keep myself from fainting was to sit down.

For the next three days I walked by that same spot after school secretly praying she would be there. From the time I first saw her I can still remember that spark of fire in her eyes, the one daring people to talk to her, to see what would happen. Then on the fourth day, just when all the hope had drained from me, I saw her glistening black hair reflecting the sunlight, the quick flash of her smile allowed my stomach to become the acrobat again. This time I was the first to say something; “hey, I haven’t seen you around lately.”

“Well, I’ve been with some friends, doing stuff, you know, just kicking it. Do you have a light?”

When I realized she was talking to me, I shoved my hands in my pockets and managed to come up with a green lighter. I tried to light her cigarette as smoothly as possible, but the more I thought about it, the harder it was. I took a deep breath, and as if my prayers had been heard, lit her cigarette perfectly. I awkwardly leaned back on my arms and mumbled something about the weather. Now looking back on it all I can really remember is the feeling I got when her leg brushed against mine. I knew it was ridiculous sounding, but when her leg moved against mine, I thought I had done something wrong. I worried she would get mad at me for the brief physical contact, but was somehow able to calm myself, promising it was just a normal human occurrence.

As the month went by we hung out more and more, until one day we actually made plans for outside of school. She told me about this really cool place in the city where we could go and just hang out, sit there, talk, and smoke. Although to me it seemed like the same thing we always did, in my gut I knew it was more. This was something we were planning, something that was to happen outside of school, and something special that I had to make go just right.

We met at the transit center and proceeded to board the max to head into the city. When we finally reached our stop I was disappointed to see that outside the max doors was a guy waiting for her. When he saw me and that I was walking with her he muttered something to her. “Oh, him? He’s cool, he’s with me.” I had no idea what was going on but I could tell the guy didn’t like me being there, so I backed off and anxiously chewed on the end of a blue Bic pen.

After what seemed to be an eternity, but my watch informed me was only four minutes I felt her hand slip into mine and she was dragging me down the street. Even though I was with the girl who I thought to be the girl of my dreams all I could think of was whether or not my hand was going to start sweating. In my mind that little detail was more like a war going on in my head, I was trying to decide whether to let go of her hand or not. I could here arguments from both sides, and finally I decided to risk it and kept tight hold of her hand.

Once that day had passed we ended up spending more and more time together in and out of school, and then when we weren’t together it seemed like all I could think of was her. I knew it sounded strange and obsessive but it was the truth. It seemed just talking to her made me feel better, knowing she was there allowed me to feel like all this weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

As we became closer friends my love for her grew but at the same time subsided. My main worry wasn’t whether or not she loved me back but more so that she was okay. The days that she actually showed up for school she would have charcoal black circles lining her eyes and bruises concealing parts of her arms. I would always worry but do my best not to mention or question what she did at night. I knew everyone else around her, her old friends, would question her and I didn’t want to be like them. I just wanted to be someone she knew would always be there.

One night when I was heading home from a late finish on our school play I saw her and some of her friends; I knew none of them saw me so I avoided making myself noticed. Yet I almost wished I had said something so I wouldn’t have had to see her do it. I always assumed there was some sort of drug rushing through her blood, but cocaine? That snowy white powder quickly vanishing into her nose, I never thought she’d do that. Seeing her bend down and put her nose to the straw felt like I had fifty bombs dropped on my heart. I know how stereotyped this sounds, but all I found left to do was run home.

“Ring, ring” that was the first thing I heard the next morning. As I felt the early sun drenched haze lift from my body I grabbed the phone and grunted out words that were meant to sound as a hello.

“Hey!” this perky little voice said, “I know your play was last night, how did it go?”

It took me a while to realize who was on the other end, but when I did I just mumbled something about sleep and hung up. I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to call me and act as if nothing had happened. Her voice sounded sincere, as though she actually cared how my play went, but I knew it was only the drugs talking. Then I began wondering how long it was that she had truly been lying to me about her activities, how long had her blood been poisoned by drugs? After that night our friendship seemed to change. There would be the occasional “hi” at school, the small talk everyone else made but rarely did we have those conversations like we used to. The talks we would have in the middle of the night, where we could talk to each other about anything. She would actually tell me what was happening in her life, not just pick out certain things to tell me.

After almost four months of those little bullshit conversations I was at home and I heard the doorbell ring. It was almost two in the morning and my parents were gone for the week so I just ignored it. Then I heard this banging and through bloody tears escaped the words;

“Please, please, please, be home, I need you, please answer your door, oh my god, where are you?” and following that a loud thud. I walked over and opened my door to see her frail body lying on my doorstep. Her skin was like silk, but it had the impression of too many ink spills on it. Besides the bruises she also had a bloody lip and a ripped shirt. My natural reaction was just to pick her up, carry her into my room and help her to the best of my ability. I took off her clothes and washed her cuts then gave her one of my button up shirts for her to wear. Wearing my shirt she looked so helpless, like a little girl in her big brothers shirt after wading into the ocean to collect the shiniest seashells. Her innocence was like a porcelain doll, with bright red lips contrasting smooth pale skin.

After I adjusted her so she was in what I hoped to be a comfortable position on my bed I turned on some music and lay on the floor next to my bed, using my balled up jeans from that day as a pillow. I felt as though I couldn’t leave her, I was her nurse in the emergency room, always on duty, and never to give up. I don’t recall what time it was when she came to, but when she did the look on her face scared me. Her eyes seemed as though the fire in them was completely burnt out. It hurt me so much thinking of how she had changed. But all I knew was that I would always be there for her no matter what she went through.

She came to and tried to stutter out a sentence of thanks but I quickly interjected and said;

“Don’t worry about it; this is what friends are for”

As if to make up for it she got up, went into my kitchen and began making us breakfast. I just sat there at the kitchen table waiting for her to talk, and when she was ready, she had a lot to say.

“This time it was worse, he normally doesn’t hurt me like this, only a quick slap across the face. But this time he was on meth, and something came over him. I know it was something I did wrong, something I did that made him mad at me, even if I can’t remember what I did, but I know I did wrong.”

She went on talking about it for another five minutes promising it was something she did wrong and she deserved to be hit, in the end she just stopped. No final words, no tears left to cry, no thoughts left unsaid. At first I had no idea what to say, but finally I just did my best to reassure her nothing was wrong with her and that she could stay with me as long as she needed to. In my eyes she was perfect just how she was and that she should never change for someone. She was my angel fallen from the stars, here to walk with me through life.

That was the last time we truly spent any time together, because now, here I am, high school isn’t even over and all this has happened. If I had known that was the last time I would truly spend time with her I wonder if I would have told her how I felt. Would I have tried to change her then, to become someone else for her? This girl, this star in my night sky, seems to have fallen so quickly, left with no one save her and no wish granted. The drugs, the boys, the lies, all fell on her and buried her. Now here we are, all of her friends, those who knew her before, those who just met her, those who only saw her in passing, we all came together to show her we cared. We were all there trying to make up for lost time, for those words we thought would be better left unsaid, we wanted to show her we really did care. But when I look around the room, the one thing that sticks out to me is that none of the people she would spend those long nights out of the house with are here.

They asked me to write her eulogy, and this was all I could come up with.

real entry #o90.--- true dat

2006-03-24T23:45:09Z

did you know 75% of the world is in the rain?
and dancing?
indeed.
it's true.